


tonight, we are together

by foreverautumn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 08:33:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverautumn/pseuds/foreverautumn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth is, he doesn't even know what he would have said, or how Eren would have reacted. He doesn't know if Eren's the type to blush easily, or stutter, or if he'd look victorious, like he'd just won a battle no one had been aware he'd been fighting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tonight, we are together

Of course this is how it would be. Sitting alone in his quarters, weary and beaten, empty and tired, _this_ is when he would realize it.

Because this is life, Levi thinks, his lips twisting upwards tightly, fingers drumming on the windowsill. Not just his life, but life in general is cruel and unyielding, as evidenced by the mere existence of the Titans. The levels of cruelty vary, and his sudden realization alone in his room must be considered fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and yet.

Levi watches the rain fall through the glass, not thinking anything at all for a moment. He wonders if it's strange that he hasn't even questioned the validity of his sudden epiphany; perhaps he isn't in his right mind (he's not), he's dealing irrationally with grief (he had never learned the right way to grieve, he thinks, if there is a right way), he's desperately trying to find a way to hold onto a memory (does he want to remember?), there are many other possibilities.

But he knows it's true, because there's just no way to actually question or dissect a revelation such as this; not one that rams right into the center of your chest and knocks the breath from you. Unable to sit still any longer, Levi jerks forward restlessly and presses his forehead against the cool glass, staring into the rainy night, trying not to think anymore. It's useless, now, pointless, and of course, _of course_ this is how it would be.

It takes him a minute to realize he's digging his fingernails into the wood along the sill, and he looks down in disgust at the small chips of paint under his nails. He flicks them away irritably, then digs his nails instead into his legs, increasing the pressure, little by little, til he bites his lip to stifle a sound of pain.

In a moment he's gasping, both hands splayed back along the windowsill, his eyes closed tight, as his thoughts finally get away from him, and the images and sounds and smells are enough to make him sick, but he can't stop. He's gone, Eren's gone, and it's _now_ he realizes that maybe they could have had something brittle and frail and beautiful, something like happiness, together.

It's pointless to think about it now, to dwell on it, to tiptoe through memories both vivid and half-forgotten looking for signs he should've seen and things he should have said, but as his nails dig into the chipped paint again, it doesn't matter, because that's just what he's doing, and if he had simply noticed, or wondered, or looked, or said, if he had just--

A crack of lightning lights up the sky suddenly, and Levi's mind goes blank as he gazes upon it, just as blank as it had been when he'd learned Eren's fate, when he'd watched them carry off his unmoving body; he hadn't looked too closely, didn't want the memories, but the dark corners of his mind fill in the details, gruesome and sickening, though sometimes he imagines Eren's face peaceful as though he's just in a slumber. Maybe he can pretend that's all it is.

Levi isn't that stupid, though. He's no good at pretending or living in denial or any of those things. But maybe, for tonight, at least, he'll let himself wonder. No wishing or pretending, no praying for an impossible miracle, but just to wonder, to imagine, maybe, what it would be like, just for one night.

His blood pumps quicker through his veins at the prospect of it; Levi doesn't allow himself many moments of weakness, and this would certainly qualify as one, but his heart beats, and his stomach twists, and he closes his eyes, because it's just for tonight, so it's okay.

He's almost breathless at the indecency of it, at the near obscenity of it, but the guilt isn't enough to stop him, and it's easy, it's easy to latch onto that one memory that's been flitting around the edges of his mind for awhile now.

It'd been a night rather like this one, to be honest, dark and foreboding. Levi had been surprised to find Eren knocking at his door, after being dismissed along with the rest of his team upon their return from their excursion beyond the walls.

He should have known something was different the moment he had let Eren in, the way he had stepped aside, the way he hadn't turned him away. The way they sat in silence across from each other at Levi's desk, the air thick with something he hadn't been able to name.

"Sir, can I ask you something?" Eren had finally said, meeting his eyes, and just to be contrary, Levi had thought of saying no, but he hadn't. He'd nodded for Eren to continue, and the words tumbled out. "Forgive me for phrasing it this way, but sir, do you trust me?"

It had been a strange question to ask, and as such, it took him a moment to answer, but when he did it had been simple, to the point. "I entrust humanity's future to you, Eren."

He'd thought that would allay any worries, not that he was lying in saying it, but it appeared this wasn't what Eren had wanted to hear. "No... Corporal, that's not what I mean," he had said, sounding a little frustrated. After Levi said nothing, Eren leaned forward on the desk, just a bit, somehow making the hairs on the back of Levi's neck prickle, even before he'd spoken.

"I mean, do you, as a person..." he had scrunched his nose a little, and Levi remembers looking away in distaste, though he wishes he could envision the expression clearly, now. "Do you trust me... as a person?"

And this expression, Levi does remember clearly, though he hadn't been able to grasp what it meant, at the time. Without giving him a chance to answer, Eren had proclaimed, "Corporal, please entrust everything to me!" His breath had left him in an awkward huff, his ears red, his eyes burning right into Levi's.

But he hadn't understood back then what Eren had meant, he hadn't realized that this was Eren's unusual way of confessing. And he lets himself wonder, if he had known, if he had been able to give Eren the answer he had wanted, after so bravely stating his intentions, vague as they were, straight to Levi's face--

The truth is, he doesn't even know what he would have said, or how Eren would have reacted. He doesn't know if Eren's the type to blush easily, or stutter, or if he'd look victorious, like he'd just won a battle no one had been aware he'd been fighting.

He likes to think maybe it'd be all of those things. He likes to think that maybe Eren would have knocked on his door most nights, instead of it being taboo, that they'd sit across from each other and he'd say stupid things, because he's Eren after all, and it'd be just right in a way Levi hadn't known he wanted.

His stomach twists, and he stops thinking again, instead just looking outside. It's stopped raining, so there's not much to see anymore, but he thinks that if he and Eren were side by side on this night, it'd feel a little different.

What a stupid thought. Levi grits his teeth and stands up, but hesitates before stepping away. He'll only allow himself tonight for these kinds of thoughts, so even if they're ridiculous and they hurt more than he wants to admit, he can't just walk away. He's selfish.

He can't have Eren, but he'll let himself dream about it. What a disgrace.

He crosses his arms behind his back, again staring blankly into the nothingness through his window. It's so selfish, because Eren will never know--

He won't know. He'll never know what it's like to have someone feel--

Levi sits down slowly.

That's the worst part about it all, really. Not that he has to live without Eren, but that Eren was alone, _died_ alone, without having his feelings acknowledged, let alone returned. That he died at all, young and naive and earnest and unfortunate enough to be smitten with the one idiot dumb enough not to realize it, not until it's much too late.

He thinks of Eren's eyes, too expressive, too much to even look at, sometimes, and his lips, turned down more often than not, except, if he'd taken the time to notice, when Levi's eyes had been on him. He should have understood a long time ago, but he hadn't; he hadn't taken Eren's chin in his hands, hadn't breathed the same air as him, hadn't placed his hand upon Eren's chest to feel his heart race. Eren would never know.

Eren wouldn't know that Levi's heart would beat just as fast (as it is right now, thinking of him), how Levi wants to slant his mouth along the subtle curve of Eren's thin lips, how Levi wants to run fingers through his hair and press the tips of them into his scalp, wouldn't know how he wants to whisper Eren's name into the spot just below his ear.

Disgust and shame make his eyes sting but Levi doesn't think about it, doesn't think about how long it's been since he wept. He won't now, even.

Eren would never know that he was worth loving.

He bites his lip, again, and maybe he is weeping, or maybe it's just his heart weeping, but it feels like agony and he feels like falling to his knees and crawling, begging--

A sudden bang causes Levi to sit up with a jolt, half-wondering if it's started storming again. As he gazes outside he sees that it hasn't, and another bang brings the realization that someone's pounding on his door.

He doesn't reply, and through the reflection in the glass he watches the door open, a frightened-looking boy stepping into the room. His salute is shaky as he stumbles over his words, "P-pardon the intrusion, Corporal Levi, sir! But there is an urgent matter that requires you!" Levi closes his eyes, makes sure not to look at his own reflection; he doesn't want to see it.

Just this one night, and even that, he's not permitted; it's strangely fitting, in a way. No pretending. No what ifs.

He lets out the breath he'd been holding, and though it's released quietly into the silence of the room it sounds like Eren's name, feels like Eren's smile, and this, this is the last he'll allow himself. His mouth forms the word he won't speak beyond tonight while his eyes are still closed, before he dutifully schools his face into an expression befitting Lance Corporal Levi, and turns around.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first snk fic, and though it's not the most original idea in the world, I couldn't get it out of my head til I wrote it! Normally I don't like to read sad fics because they make me sad, and yet I write this... maybe next time I'll try something more light-hearted.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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